Project X

2007-01-02T20:35:00.000-08:00

2005-08-19T10:39:00.000-07:00

Ten Things About Beards.

Well, to be honest, I’ve forgotten how long I’ve had the beard for now. It must be at least two months though. Here are a few things I’ve learned:

1) Having a beard makes you an instant member of The Secret Community Of Beard-Sporters. We may not mention it to each other when we meet, but by God, we’re thinking it.

2) You find yourself checking out every beard you pass and mentally grading it for style and quality.

3) Beard-stroking becomes a pastime in itself. You can spend literally hours doing it.

4) Moustache-twirling, doubly so.

5) Having a beard makes me about 10 times more photogenic. For one thing it completely hides the pale expanse of double chin. For this reason alone I’m actually considering keeping the thing. I’m also glad there are no grey hairs in it, considering how quickly they’re taking over my actual head.

6) Apart from a brief experiment in 1991 I’ve been beardless for most of my adult life, so having one suddenly starts to look like a radical life-changing decision. People genuinely look at you like they’re seeing you in a different light. Which, technically, of course, they are.

7) They make you feel more manly. Someone on FU said I looked like I was “capable of satisfying whole villages of women”. I wouldn’t go quite that far, obviously, but there’s definitely a sense of uninhibited “manly freedom”.

8) The beard itself has several different parts to it. I have favourite bits. I like the soft patch underneath my chin, I like twirling the weird longer hairs on either side of my neck; I like gently brushing the thicker hairs on my chin with my fingertips; I like reshaping my moustache and brushing the hairs in different directions; and I like the soft downy hairs below my ears. I gave Wol the Guided Tour the other day. I think she enjoyed it.

9) It’s fucking great to not have to shave.

10) And one final note – what’s the name of that condition where you can’t help plucking out your own hair? I think I have a mild tendency towards that – I can’t stop pulling out the hairs around my chin. Occasionally I go too far and have to pluck the other side to even it out. Not sure anyone has noticed though.

Project X-4: Edinburgh Festival Blog.

Mission accomplished (so far, anyway: http://edfilmfest.blogspot.com/

Dammit, how do you links, anyway?

2005-07-13T01:51:00.000-07:00

Project Beer Belly: Update

Well, the stupid Kelloggs thing didn't work. I'm still 15 stone according to the lying bastard scales. I do seem to have lost a little girth though (maybe half an inch) and one of my friends told me I'd lost weight this week, so that was nice. (I told him it was the beard). That said, I'm plainly too big for a pair of trousers that I remember fitting very comfortably less than 4 years ago, so that's not good. Must. Try. Harder. I need to try and cycle every day or something. If only I didn't have so much bastard work to do...

Project Beard: Update

The beard, on the other hand, goes from strength to strength. It's actually starting to look like a real beard now and not like I just can't be bothered to shave. Clearly I am great at accomplishing things which require no effort whatsoever. I wonder how I can apply this gift to the rest of my life? I definitely want the "full" beard - someone suggested trimming it down to a goatee and that sounded way too much work to me. Besides, I never saw my dad without a full beard and if it was good enough for him...

Project Wonder Woman: Update

What? I didn't mention Project Wonder Woman before? Well, I am now. I just finished watching season 1 and have watched the pilot episode of season 2. It's fabulous. I was forbidden from watching all American TV shows as a child (until Knight Rider came along, anyway) and Wonder Woman was the only notable casualty of that, in that it was something I wanted to watch but couldn't. I remain convinced that this contributed to my (relatively) slow sexual development - I'm sure if I'd been allowed to watch Wonder Woman (and Daisy Duke in The Dukes of Hazzard) at a reasonable age it might have speeded up a thing or two. Anyway, from what I've seen so far I think it's definitely worth blogging an episode guide. I think I'll do it after I've seen them all though. In the meantime I'll stick to putting up pictures of 'Wonder Woman In Dodgy Bondage Situations', like this one:

2005-07-03T22:57:00.000-07:00

Testing, testing...

I'm going to try this new picture function Blogger are going on about. Here we go...

Ha ha! Fabulous. This is from my recently-acquired Wonder Woman season 1 DVD. For some reason she manages to get tied up, chained or crushed by a giant gorilla at least once per episode. So far, anyway.

2005-07-03T22:50:00.000-07:00

Project X-3: Grow A Beard

This may well be ill-advised. Only time will tell. I haven't shaved for about a week now and things are feeling decidedly beard-like. However, whenever I look in the mirror it still just looks unkempt and straggly rather than like an actual beard. I think I'll give it another week or so and if it still looks crap I'll shave it off. I haven't grown one since 1991 so this could be interesting...

2005-07-02T19:30:00.000-07:00

Project Beer-Belly: Day 11

Hmmm. The results so far can only be described as "mixed". On the plus side: tape-measure reveals belly is now a mere 40.5 inches. On the minus side: I finally bought the cheap scales from Argos and they say my weight is up to 15 stone. So I've actually put on half a stone! Stupid 'Drop A Jeans Size' diet. At this rate I'm going to have to start actually exercising or something.

2005-06-24T16:08:00.000-07:00

Project Beer Belly: Day Three

I'm three days into the 'Drop a Jeans Size' thing now and have just finished my first box of Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes. I'm switching to Just Right until my Just Right runs out. The Suits don't seem to like this over at the Kellogg's website, but how much harm could it really do? So far it's been surprisingly easy to exist on one meal and two bowls of cereal a day. I can see it getting old fast though. No visible belly reduction yet, though I did manage to force myself into a lower belt hole earlier, so that's something. I'm not weighing myself again until next Wednesday.

2005-06-22T21:37:00.000-07:00

Project Beer-Belly: Day One

"I don't know if you are familiar with the phrase 'The best laid plans of mice and men gang aft aglae', but aglae is the way things certainly seem to have ganged" - P.G. Wodehouse

So true. So true. I didn't manage to buy a set of bathroom scales yesterday because Argos didn't have the £3.49 set in stock. (Why would anyone pay £50 for bathroom scales when you can get a working set for £3.49? WHY?) Anyway, I ordered the ones I wanted and I'll have to pick them up on Monday or Tuesday. Not to be thwarted, however, I nicked into Bentall's in Ealing Broadway and weighed myself on a display set. Well, two display sets, actually, one of which was blatantly lying. I then went and bought myself a tape measure. So the official results on Day One of Project Beer-Belly are:

Weight: 14.5 stone
Girth of Beer Belly: 41 inches

So I think we can all agree that WORK needs to be done. I also bought a packet of Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes and had a bowl for breakfast and one for lunch, as recommended by the Kellogg's Drop A Jean Size site. It had better work, that's all I can say.

2005-06-20T00:24:00.000-07:00

Okay, so Project X is actually just a poncey name for "A Really Big List Of Things To Do". You've rumbled me. Congratulations.

I suppose you could say I'm a little bit list-obsessed. I was very upset when my List-Makers Anonymous And Other Confessions thread got deleted (twice!) on FU (of which more later). However, lists are clearly an excellent way of Getting Things Done and I have several, ahem, projects, all of which require constant vigilance. So this blog is a way of tracking my own progress and, basically, kicking my own arse when required. Some of the projects will be more fun than others. Some will run all year and some will have specific goals. Some are things I've been thinking about for a while, some I'll make up as I go along. We'll just have to see. Anyway, here are a couple to be getting along with.

Project X-1: Lose The Beer Belly

I'm probably as fat now as I've ever been. My weight used to fluctuate a lot, to the point where people would either say, "Oh, you've lost weight" or, "Oh, you've put on weight" in a shocked manner whenever I went home. Lately, however, it's been a lot of the latter and none of the former. Also, I've been slightly sheltered from The Awful Truth by virtue of not having a full-length mirror in my flat. I caught a glimpse of myself side-on the other day and I was, frankly, shocked. So the belly has to go. I don't do much exercise and I don't intend to give up Coke, Guinness, crisps or the occasional burger. So this could be tricky. I have decided to start with the Kellogg's 'Drop A Jeans Size In Two Weeks' thing. I also need to get a proper tape measure and a set of bathroom scales as I don't actually know how heavy I am. So that's my Task For Tomorrow...

Project X-2: See more than 365 films this year.

I managed this last year with an impressive 366! I aim to beat that this year. My personal best is close to 500, during, er, my final year at Sussex University. There's no way I'll make it to 500 but 370 is do-able. Maybe even 400. But I'll be happy with 367. Anyway, I have one of those diaries that keeps track of how many days we are into the year. So today, Monday 20th June, is Day 171 and I have seen only 130 films. So I'm already 41 films behind. Must Try Harder.